January 22

I feel the cold most acutely in my stomach. The temp drops, the wind blows and my hunger increases. I am sticking to my food plan but I can't say it's been easy and I've snuck a few extra snacks in. But I haven't lost control. And for me that's a win.

It seems like everybody this time of year is talking about goals. Write them down. So I made a weight loss chart. Picked a few numbers as goals.  Now I need to find some rewards.  Suggestions?  So far I have mani, pedi, facial, massage and a trip. 

Photos of my chart to come!

January 21

I am just leaving work on a cold night.  I am starving.  I am craving food - bad food.  Tacos.  Cheese.  Chips.  Anything.  Everything.  It is going to be a long night.  I don't have a lot of points left for the day.  But I am committed to using them wisely.  I will probably be going to bed early.

This is usually where the rails come off.  Where I go off the deep end and all my hard work goes out the window.  A few weeks of hard work - 20 pounds gone.  And this is where I usually get sidetracked.  But I am determined to push through - to see what is on the other side.

Tonight feels like a show down with myself - and Super Amy is going to win.  And Super Fat Amy is going to lose.

January 20

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr Day. What an awesome example of perseverance he is. 

For those who don't know, at this point in my journey I am doing Weight Watchers. It works for me as long as I work it. Cliche but true. 

I weigh in on Mondays. That is the only day they have meetings in my area. I had to miss last week due to a work commitment. 

But my work is paying off. I am grateful and reinvigorated. I lost again. 

My weight is currently 377.2. 

Onward and downward. 

Love,

Amy

January 17

I think this sums up my mental state. I'm not sure what's at the end of this journey I'm in, but I'm not staying fat. Send me good thoughts and vibes this weekend. 3 day weekend, travel, family, going out. All triggers for me to indulge. I plan to stay strong and still have fun. 

January 16

Fat girl confession # 10

I am a lucky girl, no matter how fat I am. 

I wish I was smart enough to figure out the secret to good days versus not as good days. Something in the water?  My mental attitude?  Grace from above?  I don't know. But this week I have felt extra strong and capable and positive. And today, several things, simple things, reminded me how beautiful life is and how much gratitude I owe to so many and to the world.  If you are reading this, you are someone I am deeply grateful for and somebody I am lucky to have in my life.  This journey of weight loss is my purpose at this point in time. But I hope getting to my goal never blinds me to everything and everybody I have - at this moment - at this weight.  And I hope I never fail to recognize days like today as gifts and hope they continue. 

Super Gratefully yours,

Amy

Funny

I am very tempted to give this a go. It is #winewednesday you know. 

January 15

Fat Girl Confession #5
We avoid being photographed.  With good reason.

Photo time.
This is the toughest post yet. 
Tougher even than posting my weight.
This photo was taken November 21, 2013 at a black tie work event.
I saw it sometime in December.  I couldn't believe it.
It spurred the work I am doing now in a way I have never been spurred before.
Who's stomach is that?  Who's chins are those?  Why did you leave the house like that?

I.  Do.  Not.  Want.  That. To.  Be.  Me.  (Anymore.)

Now let me preface this by saying - I am very aware that I do not have a sexy body type.  I know I am not, have never been nor will ever been a model by anyone's stretch of the imagination.  But some days you think you pull it together and look ok.  Well on those days, I am wrong.  I am not sure how anybody ever listens to a word I say.  They should be too distracted by my stomach.
(When I bought this dress for my sister's wedding years ago it looked good and was flowy and drapey and I just thought it still had the same effect.  Now it is 20 pounds of potatoes in a 10 pound sack.)

Don't cringe.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Don't say it's ok.
Thank you for those sentiments.  Just try and be supportive and help me fix it.

Because it is decidedly not ok.

As always, thanks for listening.

Amy

Sayings and Inspiration

I am going to attempt to keep a list of some of the great quotes, words of wisdom, advice and inspiration that speaks to me on this journey.  I will use it when I feel weak.  I will use it when I feel strong.  I hope you will use it too.  And most of all, I hope you will add to it.  The first one really spoke to me today as I read it on Facebook.  Another reminder that we all speak too harshly to ourselves.

Failure is an event, not a person.  (Zig Ziglar)

Nothing tastes as good as skinny (healthy) feels.  (Weight Watchers Saying)

It (losing weight) will change your life.  (My dear friend Adrienne, many years ago.)

When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That's my religion.  (Abraham Lincoln)

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong.  And start being positive about what could go right.

Each morning starts a new page in your story.  Make it a good one today.

Never trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.

More to come and please suggest your favorite....

Funny

I am very tempted to give this a go. It is #winewednesday you know. 

January 14

So obviously I have been neglectful.  I broke promises to myself and to you.  I really want to do what I say I am going to do. I reward myself for a weight loss. So an article I read talked about consequences. Perhaps I need those.  

Suggestions?

Perhaps I will post a motivational picture tomorrow...

January 11

I did nothing today. Nothing. And not in the good way. 

January 10

I need to repeat this to myself morning noon and night. Every day. I used to be fearless. I have no idea what happened to change that. Or when. 

January 9

Fat girl confession #17

I am really scared I will never get my head out of my ass and actually do this. 

January 8

Fat girl confession #34

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Eating healthy means clearing the house of crap and junk and sweets. But when a chocolate craving hits on a cold winter night it hits hard. A few left over chocolate chips from holiday baking actually did the trick. A small palm full hit the spot and I don't feel like I sunk my battleship today. Small victories matter and hopefully add up. 

Semi sweet chocolate chip dreams to all. 

Amy

January 7

I became aware today that this space was becoming a written version of my internal dialogue - some of my stinkin' thinkin' which is part of what got me into my current predicament.  And by current predicament I mean size 24 stretchy yoga pants.

So I took a deep breath, brushed off my disappointing weigh in and decided to shake things up a bit.

So here is Fat Girl Truth #27:
I am a sitter.  I sit.  I sat.  I am sitting.  I will sit. I like to sit.  I sit at work.  I sit in the car.  I sit at home while I am watching tv and reading.  I sit on the porch to enjoy outdoor time.  I sit at the park while my dog runs around me.  I sit at parties.  I take sit breaks while shopping. 

I am out of shape and so therefor I sit.  And/or I sit so therefor I am out of shape.

Over the past year or so, I have heard trainers and physical fitness gurus say that sitting equals death.  I heard this.  I had to hear it a few dozen times.  But I heard this.

I didn't go out and buy one of those crazy stand while you work desks or anything.  Yet.  But here is what I have done for most of today:  I set my timer on my phone for an hour.  When the timer goes off, I wrap up what I am doing and get up and walk about my office for five minutes.  Just walk leisurely, stretch, visit, etc.  And then I come back to my desk and set my timer again.  I am going to do this tonight at home too.

I know this doesn't take the place of a work out.  I know it is not the answer to my problems.  I know I might not ever run a marathon.  I am ok with that.  But I don't have to be a sitter either.

As always thanks for listening.

With love,
Super Amy
(the sitter quitter)

January 6

Today is Monday. Weigh in day. These are either good days or bad days. Today is bad. As of tonight I weigh 387.2 pounds. I gained 6 pounds this week. 6 pounds in one week. Wow. Bad choices. Eating out. Little activity. I own it. I earned it. 

It tells me I need to shake things up. Buckle down. Stop playing. 

At my weight watchers meeting they are introducing a new pan - a two week simple starts plan focusing on power foods, proteins, fruits, veggies. Not a lot of room for crap. I'm going to try this. Take out some of the wiggle room. 

I lost the battle this week but I will win this war. 

Thanks for reading. 

January 5

I didn't blog today. I'm doing this a day late. But it's important I maintain the spirit of the law if not the letter. It's bitterly cold and snowy here in Missouri and I find myself lapsing into comfortable habits. Snacking. Comfort foods. Tv. Naps. I ate out three times on Friday - still in holiday mode with family. However I'm not giving up. I'm acknowledging and persevering.

January 4

Truth #16

This is hard. Really hard. 

It's cold. It still feels like the holidays. Even I am starting to see through my excuses.  But I remain optimistic. 

January 3

Fat Chick Confession #14
Shopping is not fun when you are fat.
I love to shop. I mean I really love to shop. But it really sucks not being able to fit into anything and only being able to shop at a couple of stores. I think shopping sprees are going to be my favorite reward for reaching goals.

Janurary 2

Today I do something scary.  And honest.  And something I never thought I would do.  Tell 'the world' how much I weigh.

I weigh 380.4 pounds.

You may need a moment to let that sink in.  I know I did.

I weigh in on Monday evenings at my Weight Watchers meetings.  I will post my weight here every Monday.  It is a number.  A number can't hurt me.  But the shame of that number has hurt me.

Here are some other numbers that stick out in my head and history:

175          My weight in high school when I thought I was fat

225          My weight in college when I thought I was fat and beyond hope

260          My weight for most of my late 20s and 30s when I thought I was too fat for everything and
                everyone and would just die the crazy old cat (dog) lady.

301          My weight two years ago.  When I saw the number 3 I thought I would die.  I thought my
                life was over.  Maybe I was depressed.  I don't know.  But it seems, in the blink of an eye, I
                ended up where I am today.

398           Where I was a couple of months ago - just to end on a happy note.

My truth today is that, save for the last one, I would rejoice to be at any of the above weights this minute.  And I will celebrate each one on  my way back down the scale.

Thanks for listening.

An Interesting Video Clip

http://www.today.com/video/today/53963785#53963785

I saw this video on The Today Show this morning and it spoke to me.  It really drove home the why behind this blog.  Accountability.  I can't do this alone.

January 1

So much positivity today. So much optimism. Everybody's glass is half full. I pray it stays that way. As for me, I have made the same promises and resolutions, that I have for the past many years. This year I want to do and not try. Act and not think. Achieve and not dream. Be.  Live. So I am setting things up a little differently this year.  It's my W plan. Weight Watchers, walking and the World Wide Web. I'm going to blog my journey. Every day for the first 30 days to start.   I have no idea if anybody will read it. But I will know it's done.

Here is what I am promising in my blog:

     * I promise to openly and honestly share my struggles

     * I promise to be honest to the point where it hurts

     * I promise it will not always be pretty

     * I promise not to take myself too seriously

And I think that is all I can handle today. 

Happy New Year!